There is a lot of talk these days about responsibility. We demand responsibility from our political, spiritual, and business leaders. We try to instill a sense of responsibility in our colleagues, subordinates, and in our children. Yes, there’s no doubt that during times of crisis, hardship, and the tests that befall us, there is a call for justice riddled with the word responsibility. We want someone, anyone to take responsibility. We use it casually when things aren’t going well, and mistakes are made. We want to know who is responsible for what went wrong. Yes, responsibility is an often-used word…and more often misunderstood.
The truth of the matter is that I am responsible when things don’t work out the way I’d planned. I am responsible when situations, circumstances, and events show up in my life and throw a monkey wrench into my plans. When I am tempted during trials, tests, and turmoil to look for others on which to pin my displeasure, I need to consider one person first. Me. Am I suggesting that when things go wrong in my life that it’s my fault? Not exactly. I do believe that sometimes we set thoughts, actions, and events into motion that produce less-than-desirable results. I also believe that regardless of what happens to me I am 100% responsible for what happens in me and through me.
I was watching a program on public television recently (yes, someone actually watches PBS) and noted speaker and author Dr. Wayne Dyer was teaching from his book The Power of Intention. He used an illustration that I’d like to offer you because it so accurately describes our role in dealing with the challenges and complexities of life and business. He said to imagine that you are holding an orange between your hands, and you begin to squeeze as hard as you can with both hands. What would come out of the orange? Are you thinking lemon juice? How about apple juice or carrot juice? Not going to happen, right? Nope. It’s obvious that orange juice would come out of the orange. Why? Because it is an orange! The only thing that can come out of it is what’s on the inside of it. Dyer then explained that the same is true with us. When life begins to squeeze us and apply the pressure of daily living the only thing that can come out of us is what’s inside of us. If we respond with anger, frustration, fear, doubt, and worry it’s because that’s what lives within us. What’s inside is what we ultimately reveal on the outside. That’s why we respond the way we do at times and later regret things we may have said or done.
Responsibility can be summed up in three words. It is our ability-to-respond or Response-Ability. It is our ability to respond when life throws us a curve ball. It’s our ability to respond when things aren’t going the way we’d planned, and our course is altered. It is our ability to keep things in their proper perspective and take actions that can improve a situation rather than ignite it. I have a close family member who was recently diagnosed with cancer for the third time. She had been going through a battery of tests that ultimately revealed multiple cancers throughout her body. She told me of the diagnosis after listening to me lament about a particular situation in my life that I was upset about. Talk about an immediate attitude adjustment and change of perspective on my part. Talk about a wake-up call. Talk about feeling like a jerk. Here I am ranting and raving like an idiot over something that didn’t really matter, and this woman is smiling, upbeat, and positive. She was telling me that everything is going to be okay. In the midst of the most devastating news possible, her Response-Ability rating was an A+. Mine on the other hand was a Big Fat F. That day, her diagnosis made my situation seem petty and insignificant. Her cancer left my problems in the dust and made me rethink how I choose to view the world. It made the guy who cut me off in traffic the next morning a non-factor (road rage is an obvious example of how we let others influence our Response-Ability). When I looked at the world through her eyes, I could no longer see things the same way. I didn’t notice the little things that would normally set me off. I didn’t major in minor things. When the shock of her diagnosis sinks in however my human nature will be tempted to return to the habits of old. If I don’t deal with my own Response-Ability, I will eventually find myself right back where I was...in the land of poor pitiful me. A place that leads straight to a town called No-where! I’ll go back to complaining about people, dealing with problems, and buckling under the pressures of life. Our society has become conditioned to focus on what’s wrong and whodunit as opposed to what’s right, whodunit, and how can we do it again? The only way to combat our natural tendencies to push responsibility outside of ourselves is to continually strengthen our Response-Ability.
Responsibility is the great definer. It defines leaders from followers. It defines dreamers from those who merely have wishes and desires. It defines the haves from the have-nots. Responsibility is a choice we make every day to work on how we respond to the situations, events, and circumstances we’re faced with. If we are committed to winning, we must improve our Response-Ability and see the world around us through the lens of possibility, promise, and hope. If you want to improve your personal life, work on your Response-ability. If you want to improve your business, work on your Response-Ability. If you want to be a better leader, communicator, and friend then improve your Response-Ability. Strengthen it, hone it, and develop it to become your greatest asset.
There are three simple (not easy) ways to improve your Response-Ability. First, when you’re dealing with a difficult situation, give it time to breathe. We’ve all been told at some point when dealing with a negative situation to “take a deep breath.” What that really means is to take a break from the situation. Let time and space from the matter help you to resolve it with a clear mind and fresh perspective. Don’t get caught in the forest-for-the-trees syndrome. Step back, take a look at the situation, and make an informed, intelligent, and calm decision. Often, I have found that just by giving a situation a little “breathing room” the issues lessen, the sting softens, and I can become more solution-focused instead of problem-driven.
Secondly, look at the issue from every possible perspective. When I was a boy, I would complain to my mom about my older brother. She would always say that “there are two sides to every story.” She was right. Every situation has multiple perspectives influencing it. There are conditions present that may not be readily visible to you. Take the time to consider everything before making a decision. This will save you time, headaches, and quite possibly even embarrassment.
The third thing that can help you to strengthen your Response-Ability is something that I learned from John Miller, the author of QBQ! The Question Behind the Question. He has taught me that we must be willing to let go of the things that we cannot control. So many times, we “hang our hats” on the things that happen to us versus the one thing that matters most and that’s our response to what happens. We can’t control the weather, the economy, the government, or the way other people choose to behave. And while we can’t control the diagnosis, we can always play a better, more positive role in the prognosis. We can choose to make better decisions, handle situations more effectively and flex our Response-Ability muscle on a daily basis.
Remember that you are the architect of your future. You have supreme control over the attitudes, actions, and approach you will take in every area of your life. Responsibility is the operating system that activates the software of your mind. It unlocks your creativity, skills, and abilities that will make your life the best that it can be.
Enjoy reading Kevin’s newsletter? Forward it to your friends and colleagues with a recommendation they subscribe as well. Here is the subscription link.
Kevin D. Brown is a branding and culture expert. He’s an award-winning motivational speaker, bestselling author, and the creator of The Hero Effect®. Follow him on LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.